Vietnam Swans

You know you’re Australian if …

• You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.
• You think it’s normal to have a leader called Julia.
• You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.
• You’ve made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.
• You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son’s pencil case when he first attends school.
• You’re liable to burst out laughing whenever you hear of Americans “rooting” for something.
• You pronounce Melbourne as ‘Mel-bin’.
• You believe the ‘l’ in the word ‘Australia’ is optional.
• You can translate: ‘Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.’
• You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
• You call your best friend ‘a total bastard’ but someone you really, truly despise is just ‘a bit of a bastard’.
• You think ‘Woolloomooloo’ is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
• You’re secretly proud of our killer wildlife.
• You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that’s twice as big as its $2 coin.
• You understand that ‘Wagga Wagga’ can be abbreviated to ‘Wagga’ but ‘Woy Woy’ can’t be called ‘Woy’.
• You believe that cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread. You’ve also squeezed it through Vita Weats to make little Vegemite worms.
• You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
• Hamburger. Beetroot. Of course.
• You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels’ song ‘Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again’ and “Living next door to Alice”.
• You believe that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel has
  become smaller with every passing year.
• You wear ugg boots outside the house.
• You believe that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.
• You believe that the more you shorten someone’s name the more you like them.
• Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.
• You understand that ‘excuse me’ can sound rude, While ‘scuse me’ is always polite.
• You know what it’s like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
• You know it’s not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle and a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron.
• Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.
• You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call ‘Anzac cookies’.
• You still think of Kylie as ‘that girl off Neighbours’.
• You believe the phrase ‘smart casual’ refers to a T Shirt with a collar and clean shorts.
• When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
• You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in -o: arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo,smoko, speedo, righto, goodo etc.
• You know that there is a universal place called “woop woop” located in the middle of nowhere…no matter where you actually are.
• You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it tastes like shit. But we let the world think we do. Because we can.
• You have some time in your life slept with Aeroguard on in the summer. Maybe even as perfume.
• You’ve only ever used the words – tops, ripper, sick, mad, rad, sweet – to mean good. And then you place ‘bloody’ in front of it when you REALLY mean it.
• You know that the barbecue is a political arena; the person holding the tongs is always the boss and usually a man. And the women make the Salad.
• You say ‘no worries’ quite often, whether you realise it or not. You understand what no wucking furries means.
• You’ve drank your tea/coffee/milo through a Tim Tam.
• You own a Bond’s chesty. In several different colours.
• You know that roo meat tastes pretty good, But not as good as barra.  Or a meat pie.
• You know that some people pronounce Australia like “Straya” and that’s ok.